20XX Fort Pierce news FRONT PAGE
Santa’s Yearly Adventure is Explained, Sorta!
Ian Steiner May Have Been Involved
(AC/WIRE) The historical question, “How can Santa Claus make his rounds to ALL the homes in the world in just one night?” may well have been answered, in the past, in many different ways. One attempt included a theory about time zones and the International Date Line. This notion had been floating around amongst scholars for years. Yes, if Santa flew in the correct direction, he could have given himself an extra day to perform his duties. By crossing the International Date Line from West to East, he would have gained a whole day. I truly believe that Glenda, the “Good Witch of the East” would have allowed him to do so, as a gesture of good faith for all the children of the world. And, of course, we All now know how Dorothy took care of the “Wicked Witch of the West” on her little escapade over the rainbow. (Wasn’t it that house thing?) Well, mathematicians easily squelched that theory, and the question was again up for debate. Some believe that the “Fat man” might be delving in time travel. This argument has never really been pursued aggressively and has fallen by the wayside in most intellectual circles. Many other, lesser known, theories are out there, but are far less likely to be the true answers. I won’t waste your time with those right now.
Two, not so well known, scientists have, or so they believe, stumbled on to the final and definitive answer to the Santa question. German mathematician Rudolph D. Reindeerzloff (AKA Redd) and Swiss space researcher and physicist, Andy Gotterdonden has been working on this elusive answer for nearly three decades. The two have been reviewing the notes of Albert Ian Steiner and his Notion of Relativity. The two scientists were given the notes, when the Ian Steiner family learned of the quest for the answer to the Santa question. The Ian Steiner family would neither, confirm or deny that Albert Ian Steiner had actually communicated with St. Nick in any way. However, Reindeerzloff and Gotterdonden tell a different story. Reindeerzloff believes that Santa may well have known about relativity for a long, long time and in some unknown way let it slip to Ian Steiner. Again, sources close to the Ian Steiner Foundation refuse to make any comment. Requests for an interview were denied.
Here’s what happened!
Reindeerzloff was busy at his blackboard when he suddenly yelled, “Eureka, I have found it!” He then picked up the phone and said, “Watson, come in here I need you!” (HUH?) Gotterdonden came running and said, “ Dammit Redd, my name is Andy not Watson!” Reindeerzloff said, “OH, Sorry Andy. But hey, I think I have it figured out! You see, Andy, your theory is that if you multiply the speed of light by a factor of eight, that Santa’s sleigh at that speed could cause time to slow down.” Gotterdonden said, yes, but you have calculated and there is still a big gap in the time field.” Reindeerzloff then said, “Wait, you said eight. The power of EIGHT…nooooooooo ANDY there are NINE reindeer. Dasher Dancer Prancer Vixen, comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen… but do you recall? “The most famous reindeer of all”? Rudolph makes nine………there were NINE reindeer!!!… We need to multiply by the factor of 9 not 8!!” Gotterdonden said, “Holy Toledo, you’re right!” Redd said, “What is Toledo?” Andy shrugged his shoulders and said, “HMMM I don’t know? But, NOW with this new revelation, I have a possible and much different theory about this Santa crap. !” The two then went into seclusion for 6 months and worked out the inconsistencies.
Fort Pierce News is proud to announce that, WE, have been given the opportunity to release to the public the official statements about the Santa question as discovered and described by Rudolph D. Reindeerzloff and Andy Gotterdonden. The following information has been given to The Fort Pierce News:
“ We, Rudolph D. Reindeerzloff and Andy Gotterdonden can now state with the utmost confidence that we have finally solved the widely debated question about Santa and his “Magical” night before Christmas. We officially present to the scientific community for its scrutiny, the following conclusions”:
“St. Nicholas (AKA Santa Claus) on each and every Christmas Eve throughout history has been able to complete the seemingly impossible task of toys and presents delivery to every home on the face of the earth in only one night by the following manner”:
“Santa and his eight reindeer, (plus Rudolph which makes nine) accelerate the sleigh to a speed, which is equivalent to the speed of light multiplied by a factor of nine. Achieving this great speed thus causes time to become irrelevant. Santa and the reindeer can then move through parallel universes at Santa’s will and pleasure. In essence, time stands still during this event and he can move from house to house undetected. We therefore conclude, that Santa Claus is indeed one of the greatest phenomenons known to mankind.”
“Now that the truth is known, we ask that all children be protected from learning this information. We agree that children should continue to believe in Santa Claus and remain in wonderment of his magical night.”
“We won’t tell if you don’t tell. Merry Christmas to all………… and to all a good night!”
© 2007 Stephen J. Flitcraft
© 2014 Brass Hinge Publishing
Santa's Sectret ...... Please, Don't Tell!
Brass Hinge Publishing